Break Even

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone,
that the only next posible step to do is to STOP. Leave them alone. Walk away.
Its not like you're giving up or shouldn't try. Its just that you have to draw a line
of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours,
and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

future

All of a sudden.. bunch of peers are getting married. Nice.. happy for them :)

Something came thru my mind, if im still with you.. what will us be? yea.. we'll probably getting married soon too after 7 years of relationship. But too bad, things doesn't work out the way we wanted. My bad. The ending might be different if we started late.. After i explored the world, after u became matured.. Right person but wrong timing.

How bout u? the one i love so much that im willing to give up everything for? u said this is not the end yet.. u asked me to believe that u are building a better foundation for our future.. i dont know.. how can i trust when u dun even fetch me to hospital when i got asthma attack? i wanna love u n i loved u a lot. But things you said n your promises is so much different from what you do. Should i make it as a childish act? or should i make it as selfish? that you only love me when i m lovable, n you dont love me anymore when im a burden. if i wait for you, it cost me 2 years of my precious youth, do you know how much is that cost for a girl? what if you fail me like you used to do? its not just "sorry" can compensate. if you fail do you lose anything? no.

yea, i shouldnt put u as the priority of my life anymore. im sorry. i wish we can fight for our future together.

纠结

我 渐渐看透了。

爱是双向的。只有我一个人努力的改变是不够的。

不断的原谅，不断的给机会，我好累。

为什么我这么执着？而你却当作理所当然。

你不明白。

没关系，是时候给你时间去明白。。也是时候放手了

不打扰 是我的温柔；放开手是我最后的爱。

你还是我想要的那个人吗？

开始学习，不在意你。

A Different Season

Its been awhile since i last blog.. Lots of up and down in life. Yup, living is never an easy thing. And now, im goin through a different season in life. Its tough, i gotta admit.


Few weeks ago, faced spiritual drained. No mood for God, no mood for ministry, no mood for cell group, no mood for church. I felt so numb. I was so dried up, tired for everything. I knew i shouldn't feel that way, but i don't know why. Spiritual attack? maybe. I just lost my identity. Serving in a mega church, i gave myself too much stress, too much comparison. I often sit aside and think, why people can be so successful? Im willing to serve God too. Im willing to be used too. But why m i here sitting aside? Is it something wrong with me that God doesn't want to use me anymore? Or people just don't like me? I wasn't happy but i had to pretend to be happy.


Its sad for me to say this, but yea, me and Alfred decided to separate. We decide to focus more on personal and spiritual growth first so that we can have a better future. We love each other a lot but we know this is necessary. We have to develope a stronger spiritual life, more mature character. Cuz without God, nothing works. I don't know how long we re goin to separate but I believe we gonna make it by God's grace. I don't know bout him, but this is my conviction.


Everything happen for a purpose. A relationship has a purpose too, to bring glory to Him. I believe God has a bigger vision for me, for us.  


After the separation, i have come to fast and pray. Seek for His wondrous love, seek for His grace, seek for His wisdom, seek for His comfort. Amazingly, i found all in devotion. I find back my identity, my purpose of living, who m i. The answer is - do i have to be like others? The purpose of living is never ME. He teaches me to wait upon Him too. Peaceful and gracious is all I can say. He told me, when the world falls apart, we always want things to be fix instantly, but it WON'T happen; because the world never fall apart instantly, so it takes time to fix it. Be patience, God's timing is perfect.


Love, never easy. After these days only I realize how much I've done wrong in the past. High expectation, things ll never go as what we expect because when sin enters the world, everything is imperfect. Its all by His grace. Real love bears all things and keep no records of wrong. Its so important to love each other with the love of God.


Its gonna be a long journey but we will finish the race strong. ..n, im gonna miss him so damn lots.

Learn to first love God, then you will know how to love people.